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My little girl with her long brown hair, came running to me with flowers she had (illegally) picked at school. Sometimes when I grieve for her and cry for her, I vivid memory come to me--- a day I was sitting out in the backyard and the school bus dropped her off in front of the house.

Allie has poured lots of time and energy into these girls over the past few years, and loves them so much.

1-27 13 May 03 Sort of an Officer and a Gentleman (1) 28.

2-9 23 Dec 03 The Story of Anne Frank and Skeevy 38.

2-15 24 Feb 04 Opposites Attract (3): Night of the Locust 44.

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I walked into her room; she was sitting on the floor with her laptop.

Immediately obvious was her determined focus on something she was typing.

I hugged them and told them I loved them everyday because my parents never did that for me. Thinking back, I realize now I must have not been there for my daughter completely with all of this on my mind. He had been my first boyfriend and we never had a real partnership or intimacy.

I could go on and on about all the things I did that I thought were being a good mother. Seeing my sister die at only 35, the sober reality of how short life really is hit me in the face like cold water. She once told me during a particularly hard time in High School "If it weren't for Joe, I'd be on drugs or pregnant." I was so happy that he took delight in listening to all of her teenage problems, give her counsel and advice.

I feel I have failed at something more important than anything else in life, motherhood. I didn't want my kids to have a drunken mother and I was the only one of my four siblings that did not succumb to alcoholism. I know she was only 9 years old when my sister died at age 35 with 3 small children. Sometimes I feel: "My daughter would rather it was me that died as little as she cares for me." When my sister died, I know I had a lot of grief and a lot of fear because the cancer that killed her runs in families and the doctors were treating me like I was a cancer waiting to happen.

I wanted them to be proud of me and I was the only one in my biological family to become a college graduate. It was a terrible time filled with fright and grief.